Bursting with just the joy and the freedom of this truth. I honestly felt such immense joy bubbling up in my soul. Gods focus on grace rather than rules shows us that who we are is way more important than what we do. The enormity of this truth was so pure and wonderful and beautiful for me. And it felt right. That grace should be something enormous and beyond our comprehension in all it’s simplicity. It is simply Gods love. And if it were any more complicated than that, if it hedged us in with a new regulations and curfews, if it bound more heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on our shoulders… That would no longer be grace. And it is only with such a grace that we would have the power to live in a righteous manner that would glorify God.
Sunday night and Monday-
I had a philosophy essay due that night at 6pm and I worked on it all the way from after church to about 7pm, surviving on coffee and 4 hours of sleep the night before. Monday was equally unproductive and I just felt so purposeless. I understood the liberating nature of salvation, but I no longer felt the joy of it welling deep in my soul. The whole message that I understood above, I was doing the former of not focusing on rules and regulations like not beating myself up for not praying or spending time with God, but not the latter which was the source of it all – focusing on Jesus. Time to go back to the basics – focusing on Jesus.
The whole thing with how to deal with sin kind of reminds me of my relationship with food. My diet and exercise regime has been a series of rules and restrictions that have varied over the course of the past one and a half years – I guess nothing really worked or made me satisfied enough with myself. It’s nature is also that of sin, it makes me do things that I don’t really want to do, as if it were controlling me. Just last night I walked all the way to Sheng Siong at 11pm to buy a Magnum espresso – I don’t even know why I did that, the idea just popped into my head and I felt I had to do it. I then walked to Cheers to buy a small pot of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Crazy. Sometimes, I feel the urge to expel what I eat, and I never properly admitted it to anyone before, but I have in fact done that. Such is the power of food over my life.
And today I just felt Jesus saying to me – that He has broken the power of food over my life when He went on the cross. Why am I still trapped in these vicious cycles, then? Am I’m so thankful for a savior who doesn’t judge me and remind me of my weakness all the time in a hope it will make me better. He just pours out His grace and tells me the answer is the same as how we deal with sin – by focusing on Jesus. Not guilt and condemnation, but Jesus.
Today when I said grace for breakfast, I prayed that I could really count on the power of Jesus that broke the power of food over my life. I don’t know how this is going to go, but I believe I will no longer have to pay attention to those urges that make me go to buy Hello Panda and Oreo from the vending machine downstairs at random hours of the night.